Dani's Shorts 3 Read online

  "His throat was cut in the first two hours! We never got a chance to know him or even speak to him!"

  "Hey! It's…no, it isn't." Bob took out another match. They all sat down and tried not to smell the body.

  "Why didn't we turn back right then?" asked Keith.

  "Err, we did. Then we got lost," confessed Dave.

  "What a complete balls-up."

  "Hey, I remember a fantastic time, lost in the woods when I was a kid," laughed Dave.

  "Yes, really? Seeing as you are now here, you found your way out," replied Bob, blowing.

  "It was great! We had no food…"

  "Like now."

  "… it poured down for days…"

  "Like now."

  "…and we had no map and no way to find our way home."

  "Like now. So, what happened?"

  "Err, erm…"

  "That was a lie, wasn't it? You didn't get lost in the woods, did you?" growled Karen.

  "Err, no. No, we didn't."

  "Hell."

  "Tesco's. It was Tesco's."

  Karen grabbed a large stick from the unlit fire and whacked it around his head.

  "Ow!"

  "Now then, that's enough of that!"

  They all sat down again in silence.

  "Hey! I've got it…nope."

  Weekend Quickie 43 - Jump!

  (image - people jumping from cliff into water, element - the summer after Junior Year at High School, emotion - determination)

  "Come on! Everyone does it when they finish High School! Go down to the beach and jump!" shouted John.

  "Yeah, but…"

  "What are ya, chicken?" laughed Kyle, gulping his Bud.

  "No, I just…"

  "What the hell do ya think we came here for? To catch some rays?" screamed Biff.

  "Err, we did that, too, Biff," replied Kyle.

  "Yeah. Anyway, you should know, Zak, your brother started this tradition years ago," said John.

  "Yeah, but…"

  "Casey expects it." They all nodded in agreement with Wiley. "You can't let her down now, not after the Prom."

  It was like a dream to finally ask her out to the Junior Prom after years of watching her from the back of the room.

  "Yeah, come on, Zak! Grow some balls!" Kyle threw his crushed empty Bud to the ground and they all followed him out.

  He was right. With all the determination I could muster, I caught up with them and we walked together to the cliff. The others were there, friends, girlfriends, Casey…waiting. I took off my t-shirt and flip-flops and lined up with the others. On a count of three we all jumped.

  "You did it!" screamed John.

  "I can't swim!"

  *SPLASH*

  73 - (Summer Open Final) The Sun Rises In

  (lost key, travel brochure, thermostat, dessert topping)

  "Hell, that damn sun! Doesn't it know how to knock?" John got out of bed crossing the trespassing rays and ran over to the thermostat in the hotel room, tapping it to see if the dial moved.

  "John, stop it. You know it's stuck on 30 degrees Celcius." Both woke up in a sweat, dying for a drink. "And it was you who left the curtains open last night."

  "We needed the air." He gave up on the thermostat and jumped back into bed with Anne, his latest love, giving her a smile and a cuddle.

  "You can always close your eyes, pretend it's not there."

  "What? Then I wouldn't be able to see you, my dear!" She fought him off with a pillow. "But why can't it let up for a bit? Go and burn down on someone else! Say Sri-Lanka, they won't notice."

  "You were the one who chose this place. Remember all those travel brochures I got for ya? You could've chosen anywhere but you didn't. You could've chosen somewhere cool, like Greenland or something like that, but no. You're a cheapskate!"

  "Yeah, but you wouldn't have liked it, Greenland. It's...green."

  "No, I wouldn't. Can you get me a drink, darling?"

  "Sure." John got up again and tried the handle of the bathroom, the only place in the room with a tap. "Damn! Oh yeah. You and your 'lost key' story."

  "Well, I did lose it. Do you think the hotel will charge for that?" she said, grinning.

  "Yes, considering this establishment."

  "Try the fridge."

  "Broken. And empty."

  "Oh, John. Did we drink it dry?" She opened her arms and he came back to the bed.

  "Remember last night? The restaurant?"

  "Oh yes, it was lovely, thanks for that."

  "You're welcome, my dear. It was fantastic, in fact, more than fantastic, it was exquisite. But the bill…that wasn't so 'exquisite'."

  "You skinflint, you! Don't I deserve a little pampering?"

  "Yes, no, err, don't get me wrong, dear, I'd pay a fortune to see you happy…"

  "Better. Oh, and that homemade Dulce de Leche on our strawberry ice cream sundaes? That was the greatest dessert topping I've ever eaten."

  "And probably the most expensive…"

  "But it was the most delicious! How can you put a price on something like that?"

  "Yes, you are right, my love. For you I'd pay the price, you are the world to me." He drew her close to him once more, their sweat merging in the heat. "The world."

  "If I'm the world to you, then…your world is in this bed."

  "Yes. And your point, my dear?"

  "My point is, if that is right, then this 'damn sun' shines on your world." Anne stood up on the bed and let the rays hit her voluptuousness.

  "Err, yeah, you're right! But it's so damn hot in here…"

  "Then complain! Get that thermostat fixed!" She dropped back down on the bed, almost making John fall to the floor. "Call the management!"

  "I am the management!"

  The Iron Writer Party Line (Impromtu relay)

  (Based on my Facebook comment of an Iron Writer Party Line)

  Co-written: Mathew W. Weaver, Jordan Bell, Tony Jaeger

  Dani: Hello, this is the Iron Writer Party Line. Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian, Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's big hair, Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge, Press 4....etc

  Jordan Bell: Press 4 to talk to the Gecko.

  Mathew W. Weaver: ...press 5 to begin guessing who The Weaver is, press 6...

  Dani: Press 6 for Tony 'No Show' (silence)...

  Mathew W. Weaver: .... You have pressed 4. Do you confirm?

  Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed.

  Dani: You have pressed 4. Do you confirm? Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed...

  Mathew W. Weaver: You have pressed one. Connecting. Please hold.

  (Dani changes to a caller)

  Dani: I AM holding! I've been doing this for the last 20 minutes...!

  Mathew W. Weaver: We are sorry. Please hold while we connect you to the Gecko

  Dani: The what? Hello? Hello!...

  Mathew W. Weaver: Please hold. The Gecko will be on momentarily.

  Dani: The Gecko? What? What the hell? Where's the Iron Writer Party Line? Hello?

  Mathew W. Weaver: ... would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back.

  Dani: No, no, no! Who give's a flying f.... don't they have any humans on this!

  Mathew W. Weaver: ... you have dialled 7. Please hold.

  Dani: Seven? Seven? When the hell did I press seven?

  Mathew W. Weaver: Hey there! How can I take yer order?

  Dani: Sorry...Hey! You're human! You! I've been running through your bloody phone system for almost half an hour now and....eh? What order?

  Mathew W. Weaver: This here's Sam's Steak and Grilled Pizza! Don't knock it till you've tried it! What kin ah get ya?

  Dani: What? Sam's what? Pizza? What the...?

  Mathew W. Weaver: Redirecting...Would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back. Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian. Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's
big hair. Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge. Press 4 to talk to the Gecko.

  Dani: What? Hell, I'm gonna press 8...! See how ya like that!

  Mathew W. Weaver : You have pressed 8. Press 1 to confirm, press 2 to return.

  Dani: Finally! Getting somewhere!

  Mathew W. Weaver: You have confirmed. Please hold while we connect you to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is"...

  Dani: What? No, that was 5! I'd rather bloody Kill Brian! How do I go back on this? Hell! No!

  Mathew W. Weaver: Connecting...Hello?

  Dani: ...err, Hello...(cough)...

  Mathew W. Weaver: You have reached the Gecko! Ask and ye shall receive! ...hello?

  Dani: Oh, right. Err, hello, 'Gecko'. Now, err...erm...okay...erm....The Weaver, huh? Erm...is he LeBron James?

  Mathew W. Weaver: The Weaver? What the heck is that?

  Dani: The Weaver. Your system just put me through to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is". All I wanted to do was speak to Tony 'No Show'. Who are you?

  Mathew W. Weaver: I told you. I'm the Gecko.

  Dani: The Gecko? What the hell is that? Look I don't know who you are but I want to complain to someone in charge!

  Mathew W. Weaver: Look pal, you called me. And for the record, I haven't a clue what the Gecko is. Jordan came up with it.

  Dani: Jordan? Who the hell is Jordan? And don't you 'pal' me, mate! I've been waiting for over half an hour to get in touch with Tony 'No Show' and all I get is a screwy phone system and your sorry arse!

  Mathew W. Weaver: Well, you're stuck with me, pal, for better or worse. What's with this 'No Show' dude you keep harping about, anyway?

  Tony Jaeger: You've reached Tony ‘No Show’, I'm not here right now, but please leave me a message, and I'll... I dunno, get back to you and stuff.

  Mathew W. Weaver: Who the heck are you? And how did you get on this line?

  Dani: What the f....! Oi! You! Tony 'No Show' I'll give ya a piece of my mind, I will! You, Gecko! Get yer boss on the line! I wanna see the Complaints book!

  Mathew W. Weaver: Whoa, bro. This is way over my pay grade.

  Tony Jaeger: Hey, this is Tony ‘No Show’. Please don't ask me for the complaints book. It's a big Damn book, and really heavy.

  Mathew W. Weaver: Hey, quit hogging the line! This is a personal paid-for call here!

  Dani: Hey! I wanna speak to the boss! Get me your boss on the line!

  Jordan Bell: Herro, you wan terriyaki, you call wight place. Sofa king goo fry duck aso. Wanton!? You wanten wanton! Got you covahd. Like jimmy hat. O. Herro, I see. Wong numba!

  Dani: What? Hey! Is this a crossed line? What?

  Mathew W. Weaver: Who the.... did you say terriyaki?

  Dani: Where's the boss! No I didn't! That was some screwball Chinese dude! Where's your boss?

  Jordan Bell: Wat on stick? Herro?

  Mathew W. Weaver: Terriyaki?

  Dani: Get off the bloody line! Hell...!

  Mathew W. Weaver: Just a sec, now, Chief. Hey, Chinese dude...

  Jordan Bell: Confucius say, wong numba asso jerki boy!

  Mathew W. Weaver: Hey, hey, hold it. How's your roast duck?

  Jordan Bell: Brrrrcccchhhkkkk! We're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected.

  Mathew W. Weaver: Wait your turn, Tony boy.

  Mathew W. Weaver: Oh for the love of....

  Dani: ....were you ordering food on MY call?

  Jordan Bell: Press 4 for the The Geico Gecko

  Dani: I...oh, go shove your head in a...click...duhhhhhhhh...

  Mathew W. Weaver: (static)

  Weekend Quickie 44 - Joyce

  (image - Shakespeare and Company bookstore in Paris, element - an artist, emotion - love at first sight)

  If this is a wild goose chase, I'm going to kill that old Kraut. That is, if he wasn't dead already. Five years of laughing at my paintings and artistic works wasn't enough for him. He had to go and write a letter to me on his deathbed, sending me all the way to Paris to some dingy bookstore called 'Shakespeare and Company'. Some cock and bull story about an argument with the shop owner over a book during the occupation more than 70 years ago. A book. But not just any book. As he wrote, 'the' book. My curiosity brought me over the Channel.

  Oh, well, here it is. Not so dingy after all. Nice looking assistant.

  "Bonjour."

  "Bonjour."

  Now where did he say it was? Third bookshelf on the left, on the right side, near the floorboards. Wait for the assistant to look away…okay, now. Put my hand in…a little further…there's something behind the bookcase. Was it? Carefully, carefully, wrap what fingers I can around it, push the object out. A book. One blow on the cover, not enough. Smooth off the layer of dust. Finnegan's Wake. Finnegan's Wake? My heart's stopped. It was love at first sight.

  74 - The Spirit of Aragorn

  (horse, umbrella, car battery, told from the point of view of a defense attorning invoking the Stupidity Defense. (The attorney pleas stupidity, rather than insanity))

  "I invoke the Stupidity Defense," said defense attorney Todd Ranson in the most serious tone he could produce.

  "Oh, Mr. Ranson, I wish you wouldn't," replied Judge Theadore, scratching his long dappled nose with a hoof. "Do you have to do this every time a human comes to our court?"

  "Err, yes, I do, Judge Theadore. It's because they are." With humans, it was the only course of action. Everything they did was stupid.

  "Okay, Mr. Ranson. Please, once again, enlighten the court as to this human's stupidity, or as you have so rightly put on so many occasions before, the stupidity of their whole entire race."

  "Thank you, Judge Theadore." Todd Ranson looked over to the bewildered human seated in the guilty chair holding a car battery and umbrella. The shock of reaching the court of Equus Ferus Caballus was perhaps too much for the fool. "As you can see, my learned colleagues, this poor specimen of a human is still in possession of the very same tools which substantiate his guilt." Clip clops of acknowledgement came from the jury. "The car battery it tried to connect to the wire fence which surrounded the victim, and the umbrella which saved itself from the pouring rain." The human realised and immediately hid the said items. "And now it probably thinks 'out of sight, out of mind'. The signs of a poor, delusional creature."

  "Oh, Mr. Ranson, get to the point," grumbled Judge Theadore, neighing in boredom.

  "Well, as you all know, the human race believes that it, and it alone, is the only true intellectual group on planet Animalia, or Earth as they call it." More clip clops and some irate neighing filled the courtroom. "Does this not show how stupid they are, to ignore the pleas and calls from other animals of their destructiveness and selfishness on this planet, dismissing their fellow passengers on this journey of life as mere nonsense and noise?"

  "Objection! You cannot put the faults of a whole race on one individual." Prosecutor Red Randalf stood up with two hooves on his desk.

  "Objection overruled, Mr. Randalf. Don't you want to get to your oats as soon as possible?" asked Judge Theadore. The prosecutor neighed and stood down.

  "Thank you, Judge Theadore. Now, not only do these savages…" Todd nodded over to the human "…continue to enslave, manipulate and murder themselves and other species such as ours, they also still believe in a non-existent entity they call 'god'."

  "Isn't that 'dog' spelt backwards, Mr. Ranson?" asked Judge Theadore.

  "It is, your honour, a fact lost on these sad moronic parasites. And not only do they believe in such a non-existent entity, but everything that happens in their lives, they attribute to 'god', whether good or bad."

  "No matter how many times you say it, Mr. Ranson, it just doesn't get old." The judge and his cohorts neighed in laughter with the whole courtroom giggling. "Everyone knows the universe is controlled by the Spirit of Aragorn."

  Weekend Quickie 45 - Oh, the thrill

  (image - 59th Queensboro Bridge, New York, element - a chance encounter, emotion - thrill)


  'NewYork would be the thrill of a lifetime', they said. The only thrill I'd be getting would be the one where I make it across this damn Queensboro bridge. My father's family lived in Long Island City but who knew about the three hour gridlock, stuck in the heat, smell and noise of the traffic. What was it Simon and Garfunkel sang? Oh, yeah, let's see...

  Speed up, you move too slow.

  I ain't got time to make the morning pass.

  Just flicking off the flies.

  Looking glum and not feelin' groovy at all…

  "Hey! Mathew, isn't it?"

  "Wha..?" I looked through the cab's back window and there was a girl waving from another cab behind. She clearly wanted my attention. I opened my window and stuck my head out, breathing in the fumes and pollution. "Yeah?"

  "Mathew, right?"

  "Err, yeah?" How did this girl know my name?

  "I'm Cath, your cousin!"

  She pushed herself out of her cab's door, paid the driver, who was irate to say the least, and opened the door of mine, pushing me to the other side.

  "Well, hello, cuz!" She squeezed me to death. "Oh, this is so thrilling!"

  Ah, now there's the thrill…

  75 - (Grudge 7) The whole world's a stage!

  (halberdier, one (and only one) of the characters must be aware of the audience, must be written entirely as dialogue, the story must take place at the Dairy Queen.)

  "Hello and welcome to Dairy Queen! How can I help you? Said the suave, charismatic shop assistant."

  "Erm...am I in the right place? I wanted Dairy Queen."

  "Yes, sir! Today it's 'Medieval Day' and each member of staff is dressed appropriately. I'm a halberdier. Look folks, I sharpened the end of my halberd for added authenticity. Spiked Josh a good 'un earlier, eh?"

  "Oh good, I thought I was in that Camelot restuarant for a moment. Didn't know they did Blizzards, too. Threw me off a bit."

  "No, sir, only Dairy Queen does Blizzards, in over twenty different soft serve blends!"

  "Why...why are you talking and looking over your shoulder like there's an audience behind you? All I see is the wall."

  "Ah-ha! The whole world's a stage! Isn't that right, folks?"

  "There, you did it again. Is there a camera or something? Am I on Candid Camera again? I remember last time..."

  "The whole world's a TV show, sir! Like my costume, folks? Got it from the best fancy dress shop in town."