Dani's Shorts 4 Read online

  Dani's Shorts 4

  (A collection of short stories based on the elements from The Iron Writer Challenge)

  Volume 4

  by

  Dani J Caile

  Dani's Shorts 4

  by

  Dani J Caile

  ISBN: 9781311528049

  Dani's Shorts 4

  Copyright ? 2015 by Dani J Caile

  Blogs & Websites

  https://danijcaile.blogspot.hu/

  All Rights Are Reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

  This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locale or organizations is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright ? Dani J Caile 2015

  Table of Contents

  Preface / Acknowledgement

  79 - A danger to himself

  Weekend Quickie 50 - No stink in this suit

  80 - A Pox on your lips later (Apolcalypse Now)

  Weekend Quickie 51 - Not even for the world

  NEWSFLASH: Iron Writers in a Bristle

  81 (Grudge 10) - A Bear in the Woods

  Weekend Quickie 52 - Out on the town

  Weekend Quickie 1st Anniversary - Surprise!

  82 - The Brother

  NEWSFLASH: Demise of the Deadly Duo?

  Weekend Quickie 53 - To the's guy?(59 words)

  The Mirror

  83 - Karma

  Weekend Quickie 54 - A nice meat soup (91 words)

  Weekend Quickie 55 Sunday Edition - True story...ish (293 words)

  NEWFLASH: Where is Maureen?

  Grudge 11 - The Purple Result (1st attempt - unpublished)

  Grudge 11 - Down on the farm (2nd attempt - published)

  Weekend Quickie 56 - The homemade wasp repellent of Richard

  Weekend Quickie 57 (Sunday Edition) - A little prick (69 words?fnaw, fnaw!)

  84 - Autumn Preliminary Round (Agatha Christie bracket) - "Inside the Womb" Episode 15

  Weekend Quickie 58 - Star Flaws

  The Duel of Procrastination

  Weekend Quickie 59 - Larry Hotter

  Weekend Quickie 60 (Sunday Edition) - Friends, voters, truck drivers

  85 - Autumn Open Final - Gone to a Better Place

  Books By The Banks Workshop

  Weekend Quickie 61 - The Terror that is Bieber

  86 - (Mathew W Weaver Challenge) - Motion in the Potion

  Weekend Quickie 62 (Monday Edition) - Fun to be a Selleck

  NEWSFLASH: Fancy a Quickie?

  Grudge 12 - As stated under Regulation 16

  Weekend Quickie 63 - Don't mess up the suit

  Weekend Quickie 64 (Sunday Edition) - American's in Europe

  87 - (Pitman/Caile Challenge) - Beans

  NEWSFLASH: Attack of the Chinese Chickens

  Weekend Quickie 65 - Loathsome Customer

  Weekend Quickie 66 (Sunday Edition) - Reds Together

  88 - (Richard Russell Challenge) - Experimental Anality

  Weekend Quickie 67 - A Love Story

  Weekend Quickie 68 (Sunday Edition) - Nowhere

  89 - (DL Mackenzie Challenge) - Vengeance

  Weekend Quickie 69 - 8

  Weekend Quickie 70 (Monday Edition) - Busy Hands

  90 - Confirmed

  Grudge 13 - A Right Piece of Work

  91 (Steven L Bergeron Challenge) - The Master and the Master

  Weekend Quickie 71 - Hidden Within*

  Weekend Quickie 72 (Sunday Edition) - Ballet shoes*

  Thanksgiving- The All Week Story- Part 1 - Reasby Fen

  Thanksgiving- The All Week Story- Part 2 - Reasby Fen

  Thanksgiving- The All Week Story- Part 3 - Reasby Fen

  Thanksgiving- The All Week Story- Part 4 - Reasby Fen

  Thanksgiving- The All Week Story- Part 5 - Reasby Fen

  Thanksgiving- The All Week Story- Part 6 - Reasby Fen

  Thanksgiving- The All Week Story- Part 7 - Reasby Fen

  92 - Howard's End

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 1 - A Christmas Story.

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 2 - It's a Wonderful Life!

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 3 - Love Always

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 4 - The Muppets Christmas Carol

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 5 - The Grinch that stole Christmas!

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 6 - ELF!

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 7 - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 8 - Bad Santa

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 9 - White Christmas!

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 10 - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation!

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 11 - Home Alone

  Twelve Days of Christmas Iron Writer Style Day 12 - The Nightmare before Christmas.

  93 - Pleasure before business

  Weekend Quickie 75 - Bend over

  94 - Fett & Nord

  Weekend Quickie 76 - Dear Santa

  Weekend Quickie 77 (Sunday Edition) - Excuse my French

  The Christmas Quickie 78 - Christmas Time

  95 - Hoggin' it

  96 (Winter Prelims) - Guardians of?on Second Thoughts?

  Weekend Quickie 79 - You can have the Mum

  Weekend Quickie 80 (Sunday edition) - New Year's Resolutions

  97 - Winter Solstice Open -Not so Neighborly

  Weekend Quickie 79 (81) - Egos

  Weekend Quickie (Sunday Edition) 80 (82) - Catnipped Puss

  98 - Poison

  Weekend Quickie 81 (83) - Not lovers Quarrel

  99 - Sucks

  Weekend Quickie #81 (84) - Spurs

  Weekend Quickie Sunday Edition 82 (85) - Let it Go

  100 - Carry on up the Flagpole

  Weekend Quickie 82 (86) - Snow Day

  Weekend Quickie Sunday Edition 83 (87) - Allergic

  101 - Brothers

  Weekend Quickie #84 (88) - Perspective

  Weekend Quickie #85 (89) Sunday Edition - Love is like the wind

  102 - How much is enough?

  Weekend Quickie 86 (90) - Sweet tooth

  Weekend Quickie 87 (91) Sunday Edition - Them Brownies

  "Escribe de'Trois" Challenge - Up in the Trees

  The "Weekday" Quickie #1 - Lunar New Year - The name's Dieter

  103 - Retribution

  Weekend Quickie 88 (92) - Terrible

  Weekend Quickie 89 (93) Sunday Edition - Chuck

  104 - Word Blind

  The "Weekday" Quickie #2 - Hail to the Chief!

  Weekend Quickie 94 - TV License

  The "Weekday" Quickie #3 - Nagyi

  Weekend Quickie 95 (Sunday Edition) - Friends

  Weekend Quickie 96 - Red haired Potter

  105 - The Battle for Snagglyprinch

  List of elements for Challenges 79-105 (including Grudge Matches and Opens) and Weekend and Weekday Quickies 50-96

  Other work by Dani J Caile

  Preface / Acknowledgement

  It's Volume 4 of TIW shorts! The fourth collection and possibly the last of totally pointless exactly 500 Challenge and exactly 200 Weekend Quickie flash fiction stories/scenes word nonsense (plus a few specials, relays, newsflashes from the TIW blog and collaborations) to entertain you while doing whatever you do when reading. For myself, it was a long and tricky half year in Th
e Iron Writer. Through troubles and difficulties, there was always the TIW Challenge waiting for me.

  In this third volume, I have included some impromptu relays mainly involving Mathew W. Weaver (https://ramblingsandraving.blogspot.hu), still complete in a suit of armour, and Christopher A Liccardi (https://www.caliccardi.com) with Jordan Bell (https://jbfiction.blogspot.hu/). I have also included some Grudge collaborations, the first with Jordan and the second with Mathew. There are also a few Newsflashes from the TIW blog written by Scallywag and a Grudge by Spanky Strawberry Slokovich, and I have included two stories based on Michael D. Pitman's (https://www.daytondailynews.com/staff/michael-d-pitman/) 'Books By The Banks Workshop'.

  In Volume 2, I separated the Weekly Challenges from the Weekend Quickies though in Volume 4 as in Volume 3, I have put them in chronological order to show the development?if there ever is one. Just warning you...

  I hope you enjoy these short snippets just as much as I enjoyed writing them, and thanks again to Brian and all the other Iron Writers for allowing me into their community?I wouldn't.

  If you are 'up to the Challenge', then go to...

  https://theironwriter.com/

  79 - A danger to himself

  (Genetically Enhanced Garden Gnomes, Camelot, Halitosis, Stratego)

  "Hey, John! Come on over! I've done it, I've finished it!"

  "Finished what, Dave?" I had a few minutes before having to pick up the kids from school. Meeting Dave was a chore more than a pleasure, but chores must be done.

  "My Camelot, see!" Dave gestured over to his new rock garden feature, his very own minature Camelot. He opened the gate and I went to inspect his latest creation.

  "Wow, Dave, you've really...err...surpassed yourself this time." Although he was rolling in it due to the inheritence from the death of his rich parents, he didn't have many friends, and with that killer halitosis of his, he didn't have a girlfriend either, and as he didn't need to work, he had a lot of time on his hands. So, he built things. When he was a kid, he made models. Now he did...larger projects like this one. It was all there, the castle with a thousand turrets, the drawbridge, the moat and there was a latch on the side where you could open it up and see what was inside, a round table, of course, with 12 inch knights sitting around it. Dave was good at modelling buildings but people...the Knights of the Round table looked more like genetically enhanced garden gnomes.

  "They're a bit squat and muscley, Dave."

  "Yeah, a bit."

  "Where's King Arthur?"

  "There."

  "Where?"

  "Next to Guinevere."

  "What, that white thing?" An off-white lump 'sat' at the round table.

  "That's Guienevere."

  "Oh. So that's King Arthur?"

  "Yep."

  There was another lump of brown plaster with a crown on top and a large grey sword sticking out of it."

  "I admit, he's not my best work. It was raining on that day."

  "Mmm." I closed the latch and looked at the castle. "Nice building, Dave."

  "Yeah, it's cool."

  "So what did you do with that lovely little windmill of yours?" Dave's six foot windmill was infamous in the village. When the wind blew, the whole structure rocked on its foundations and the noise of the blades could be heard into the next valley. And when we had that nasty storm a few months back, the blades broke off and spun off down the street, smashing into Mrs. Snide's at No.6.

  "Ah, I took it down, it was an eyesore."

  "You don't say."

  "I do, I do. You see that area over there?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Well, you know those large outside chess sets you can find, with the huge board and heavy wooden pieces?"

  "You're not gonna build one of those, are ya, Dave?"

  "Nah, I never got the hang of chess. No, I'm gonna build a Stratego boardgame with all its pieces."

  "Wow, that's a tall order, Dave. Good luck with that one."

  "Yeah, I've started on a template for the pieces but it hasn't come out quite right..." He picked up a log of wood I thought was for the stove in the kitchen.

  "Dave? Ever thought of taking up an extreme sport?"

  Weekend Quickie 50 - No stink in this suit

  (image - desert with cacti and full moon, element - a falling star, emotion - Ablutophobia)

  "Think it's about time you bathed." Mathew could smell his companion from two hundred yards away.

  "Hey! I'm not stinky," protested Jordan. A few weeks together in the desert seemed such a good idea.

  "Your beard reeks and what hair you do have is so greasy we could fry some sausages."

  "I'm not having a bath." Jordan rubbed his beard and smelt his hand.

  "Why not?"

  "There's a full moon."

  "And a falling star." Mathew pointed to the night sky.

  "Really? Then I'm definitely not having a bath." Jordan made some distance between himself and Mathew, downwind.

  "What have you got, Ablutophobia?"

  "A Plutophobia? Is that a fear of Pluto?"

  "No, a fear of bathing."

  "No, I do not."

  "Oh look, I have some water in this flask..."

  "Keep it away from me!"

  "Ah-ha, Ablutophobia."

  "You say it like I'm sick or something." Jordan adjusted his sunglasses.

  "You are sick."

  "At least I'm not the one with Kaktosophobia." His cap began to slip off his head.

  "What do you mean?" The clank of metal echoed across the plain as Mathew sat down on a rock.

  "I'm not the one wearing a suit of armour in the middle of the desert."

  80 - A Pox on your lips later (Apolcalypse Now)

  (Furby, Peel Trident car, a lost Emperor, Dr Pepper)

  You never get what you want, you get what you need. I needed a case. And for my stupidity, I got one. So here I was, stuck in a dingy cafe in the middle of some unforgettable metropolis, getting ready to finish this dirty business.

  His credentials were amazing. Emperor Klutz was one of the most outstanding rulers of his time. A man of wealth, wit and banter, and a devil with the sabre. He'd opened more corner shops than any personage before him, supported any animal charity that dared to stand at his huge granite pillared gates, and run through a hundred or more oppugners who had the audacity to laugh at his customised Furby.

  Then the cracks started to appear, talking to plants, leaving little love notes for Santa Claus wherever he went, and shopping at Tesco's, remarking on how much more expensive other shops seemed to be in comparison. Finally, after an intense 3 hour session at a Children's Playhouse, he lost contact with reality, leaving from the carpark in his prized 3 wheeler bubble top Peel Trident car with only his Furby in the detachable shopping basket for company.

  After a while, reports came in of unflattering as-yet-unseen photos showing famous world leaders in certain compromising positions being posted across the largest global internet network websites, all linking back to this lost emperor. He was spilling the beans on them all and they wanted him stopped. Disconnect with extreme prejudice. Extreme prejudice.

  An informant had told me his little red car had been seen parked in front of a seedy strip club on the darkest side of town. With two refills of the blackest, thickest coffee this dump could serve inside me, I made my way there.

  "I wouldn't drink from that if I were you. You'll get a pox on your lips later," said an aristocratic voice behind me. I left my untouched drink at the bar and slid into his booth, unlit except for a scented candle placed on the table next to his infamous Furby. He sipped on a can of Dr Pepper.

  "You know, Dr Pepper is so unique. You cannot say what it tastes like because it's so different. It's not apple, nor strawberry, not even a root beer, nor cola. It's a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own."

  "U-nye-noh-lah," squeeked the Furby.

  "Where are you from?Brad?" He knew my name, the game was up.

  "Out of to
wn."

  "Whereabouts?"

  "Thereabouts."

  "How far from the river?"

  "Far."

  "Wee-tee-kah-wah-tee," said the Furby.

  "Have you ever considered?chickens?"

  This man was clearly insane. They were right, he needed to be stopped.

  "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to unplug you."

  "I have Wifi."

  All it took was one call to a guy who owed me a big favour and he was off, off from the net, disconnected from the mass of media sites hungry for his sleaze. He placed his tablet down and sighed.

  "Oh, the horror, the horror?"

  Weekend Quickie 51 - Not even for the world

  (image - jar of marbles, element - time travel, emotion - philophobia)

  Somewhere in that jar?Prissy came running in, stopping me from climbing up and reaching the marbles.

  "Hey, I thought...what are you doing?"

  "Err, nothing." This was my fourth attempt.

  "You were going for my jar of marbles again, weren't you?"

  "Me? Your marbles? No, of course not." The Agency had chosen me, due to my philophobia, to go back using their time travel device and obtain the Orb of Myelitis. Any emotional contact with the past would destroy a million timelines in the future, creating an even larger disaster than the one they were trying to halt. What the Agency hadn't told me was that I'd go back to my six year old self and that the Orb looked exactly like a marble and was in the possession of a Priscella Brooks who desperately wanted to kiss me.

  "I tell you what, give me a kiss and you can have...three marbles." She puckered up and cornered me between her wardrobe and dresser.

  For the Agency, for the world. I closed my eyes and felt her moving in for the kill. Fear screamed through my mind. Screw the world! I ran away as fast as my little legs could carry me.

  NEWSFLASH: Iron Writers in a Bristle

  (TIW Blog)

  by Scallywag

  Despite the best efforts of those aware of this unsettling fact, there has been a recent surge in facial hair growth within the confines of the TIW Facebook community. Knowledge of such a blight can be gained by those visiting the members section of this infamous secret group, with profile pictures filling up with beards, broomhandles and bristles.

  Experts revealed today that this popular writing fraternity is overrun with hair follicles and since the clash between Mathew W Weaver and Jordan Bell back in Challenge 68, many more active members have begun to move over to the pro-facial androgenic hair section of society as a whole.