Alice on the Outside-In Read online

  "We move on, up and out, through the digital highway, relishing our next meal." The Chief let go of the browser, allowing it to fall to its feet. "Change is good. Besides, I’m getting bored of this place, too many Emo backgrounds. Councillor?"

  "Yes, rather."

  "So, young...girl, might I enquire as to the name of our auspicious guest?"

  "Alice, it's Alice."

  Both creatures stopped. The Councillor still sitting and eating, dropped its part of the browser, who, realising it was now free and seeing its chance, began to crawl away.

  "Excuse me, my dear? Did you say, Alice?"

  "Yes, I did. Well, I'm sure I did." Was the madness here catching?

  "The Alice? The one and only Alice?" They both made a slight movement forwards, which put me on edge.

  "Err, I don't really know of any other Ali…"

  "Quick, grab her!" They made for me but I was faster, their arms missing by inches. I ran away, back into the darkness that surrounded us.

  Once I was out of sight, they stopped following me, sighed and went back to their places, begrudgingly catching the browser yet again and dragging it back. Nobody was friendly around here. What was I to do?

  Walking further on, and more suspicious than before, another area lit up ahead. There was yet another creature, similar to the unspeaking one I had met earlier but its form was like something or someone had poured its contents into a soft, skinlike bag, bulges emerging from all angles, repositioning themselves every time the creature moved. It was disgusting yet strangely intriguing to watch. The creature was busy painting a picture of an image shown before it hanging from wires and electrical devices.

  “Err…hello?”

  The bulging form turned to me, shrugged its shoulders and returned to painting what looked like some computer desktop background, with sky, grass and a sun. However, the creature had no idea about colours.

  “Excuse me, but why is the sky pink?”

  “Isn’t it obvious? Because I don't have any blue.”

  “Oh. Right.” A creature who couldn’t speak or spell and now one with no sense or lack of colour. At least this one wasn't devouring a program. Was this place only inhabited by programs and crazy ones, at that? “But…but you have some yellow, so why is the sun brown?”

  “I have more brown than yellow. Stop interrupting me, I am working.”

  “Working? Good work if you can get it. But brown, that's handy. What happens when you need to paint, say, trees?”

  It was a pleasant change that this one was ignoring me, but now it slammed down its brush and paint palette onto its large easel.

  “I refuse to paint trees! I have told them time and time again never to send me pictures of trees to paint! If they send me one more picture of a tree, I’ll, I’ll...!”

  “Burst?” The bulges had started moving in some rhythmic dance around its body.

  “Freeze. I was going to say freeze. Now, go away, you pest! I have art to create!”

  It shooed me away and although I enjoyed its unattentive company, I went. Far away in the distant horizon there was another much larger conglomeration of lights appearing which I wished to investigate. Perhaps that was the ‘main processor’, I had no idea. One more exclamation came from the thing as I walked off.

  “Oh, damn! They changed the picture! I’ve told them so many times before, take it off screensaver mode!”

  My feet hurt and I was becoming weary of all this walking around and getting nowhere. Where was I? What were these things? Where was the 'main processor'? Where was Bunny? And who…I caught a flash of white run past.

  "What?" There it was again.

  "I'm late, so late!" The fluffy white tail was unforgettable.

  "Bunny? Bunny!" A familiar face popped out from the shadows.

  "Yes?"

  "Bunny!" I opened my arms but Bunny took a step back.

  "And who might you be?" Keeping out of my reach, Bunny crept forwards, curious to know who I was.

  "It's Alice, your Alice."

  "Alice, Yuralice? I'm sure I don't quite know one of those…but no matter. Are you off to the trial? I will be ever so late.”

  “Late? Trial? What trial?”

  “The trial of Rodgeroffsky versus the Ultimate Viruses of Power, of course! Come, come, do keep up.” And Bunny was off, disappearing with a hop, skip and jump into the immense nothingness.

  For a moment I stood there and then dropped to the floor, exhausted, distraught. Having finally found Bunny only for him to leave without recognising me was demoralising. How many years had I kept him next to me, cuddling him, holding him, taking him to the shops with me and dragging him along in the mud? Tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “Still here, I see.”

  “Wha…who is it?” The voice was familiar, and once the face appeared, so was that. I wiped one hand across my face. “Oh, it’s you, again.”

  The Winchester worm rotated and held its head up.

  “Not really your day, is it?”

  “No. I want to go home. I’ve had enough of this place. Doing my Maths homework is better than this and that's saying something.”

  “Would you like to write your homework?” The worm burped and out popped a little floating paperclip with eyes and a mouth. “Oh, those help programs repeat on me, sorry.” The apparition evaporated leaving a bad smell in the air.

  “Phew.”

  “You must go.”

  “Yes, but which way?” I whimpered.

  “Does it matter? So long as it is…away.”

  “Has anybody ever told you that you are quite rude?”

  “Quite, no.” And with that, it rolled away and slipped down a hole. Before I had a chance to get up, it popped its head out. "Oh, by 'that' way, you're wanted as a witness."

  It nodded over to the large source of light I'd spotted earlier. The more I looked, the more details I saw. Without moving a muscle, the source came closer and I was soon in the midst of it all, standing amongst strange forms and creatures.

  "Order, order!"

  The two monsters I'd met earlier eating a browser, the Chief and the Councillor, were sitting as though they were judges in a court of law, high over the others present, including myself. Over to one side in the stand was another, the rude bulging, painting creature from before. This time its hands were tied and it stood proudly while other forms taunted it from below. I clasped my hands over my ears due to the constant noise of the crowd filled with strange shapes and…popup windows? The note-scribbling creature was snoring silently over in a corner.

  "Order, order! Quiet, please!" shouted the Chief, banging the remains of an RS232 cable on its desk. The 'room' slowly became quiet and what seemed like a trial began. Was this the trial Bunny mentioned?

  “Quiet in the court! I can hardly hold my serve. Now, how many counts of pointless and time-wasting use of RAM and user time was that, my learned friend?”

  “40, love.”

  “Thank you, dear, your informality is noted. Almost game, set and match, I dare say, what?”

  “We also found while taking him into custard tree…” started the Councillor.

  “Custody, my dear, custody,” corrected the Chief.

  “Oh yes, sorry. How silly of me, custard doesn’t grow on trees, only in bushes. Where was I?”

  “Up a custard tree or in a bush,” grinned the Winchester worm, making an appearance and slithering along the backbenches.

  “Silence in the court! We shall have no worms disrupting this trial!” shouted the Chief.

  “Second service?” asked the Councillor.

  “Yes, what? Continue, continue.”

  “When we took him into cus…custody, we found him in possession of a…”

  “Yes?”

  “…A slide rule,” finished the Councillor. Gasps filled the 'room' and the Chief banged his cable on the desk again before making his statement.

  “Silence! Mr. Rogeroffsky, obsolete virus checker and malware remover, we, the Ult
imate Viruses of Power, accuse you of reckless misuse of the Main Processor and of being in possession of a Slide Rule used for logarithms and trigonometry, causing havoc within the balance of our Digitalised Realm. You will be removed to the Recycle Bin and deleted forever."

  The bulging form Mr. Rogeroffsky stood stone-faced, unaffected by the Chief's words.

  "Call our first witness!" screamed the Chief.

  "Call our first witness!" repeated the Councillor.

  "Yes, call her."

  "Alice!" shouted the Councillor.

  "What? Me?" I was the first witness? For what I had no idea. Popups and strange forms pushed me through to the witness stand. An interfacing program held up an MS-DOS operating manual and it indicated that I should place my hand on it.

  "Well?"

  "Well, what?"

  "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and anything else you'd like to add to make the truth a little better?" asked the Councillor.

  "Erm…"

  "Argh, humans!" The Chief waved the interfacing program away. "Councillor?"

  "Thank you. Alice?"

  "Yes?"

  "Can you please tell the court and all those present who owns the world in which we live?"

  "Sorry?"

  "Who owns the…laptop?"

  "My sister? Well, she's still paying off the loan, so I guess it's really the bank, but…"

  "Good. Can you tell us whether she is happy with said item or not?" asked the Councillor.

  "Well, I guess she's quite happy with it. She hasn't hit it for a while."

  "Does it run well?"

  "Well? I wouldn't say that, it's a bit slow…"

  "A bit slow, you say?" enquired the Chief.

  "Yes."

  "Ah-ha! I rest my case!" stated the Councillor.

  "What?"

  "Thank you, Councillor. You have shown with true clarity for myself and those present that Mr. Rogeroffsky, obsolete virus checker and malware remover, is guilty of the crimes stated…"

  "But I don't have a slide rule," Mr. Rogeroffsky murmered.

  "Silence!"

  And there was. A thought came to my mind and I took out something from my pocket, something I should have used to help me with my Maths homework.

  "I don't have a slide rule but I've got a pocket calculator. Works in sunlight, though." I held up my solar-powered calculator. There were more gasps and a few faints in the ‘room’ from those attending.

  "Seize her! It is not integrated into our systems!" screamed the Chief, gesturing to those interfacing programs around him.

  "That calculator is the spitting image of my late great Uncle Sinclair," sighed Mr. Rogeroffsky.

  "Quickly, quickly! Before the child is able to do multiple division!" shouted the Councillor. Popups appeared around me and held my arms, making me drop my calculator. One of them stamped it under…circuit.

  "How dare you! That was a present from my mother!" I screamed and lashed out at them, accidentally hitting one of them on the 'x' in its top right hand corner. It disappeared. With this moment of triumph, I freed both hands and hit every 'x' I could reach. Popups vanished as fast as they appeared.

  "Murder! Murder!" screamed the Chief.

  The Winchester worm rolled over and handed me a small container.

  "Quick, drink this."

  In a moment of reprieve, I read its label. 'Upgrade'. I flipped open the top and drank. The popups jumped on me, pushing and pulling me to the floor. There were too many of them, suffocating and squeezing the life out of me. The drink had no effect. I screamed.

  “Alice! Wake up!"

  Mum shook me awake.

  "What? Mum? Where am I?"

  "Nowhere. You're still on exercise one. You fell asleep."

  My Mum placed a pot of tea on the table.

  "Damn computer!" My sister Grace was sitting beside me, cursing her laptop. "Look, Mum, all these windows keep popping up. I must have a virus or something."

  "Virus, dear? Shall I get some medicine?" asked Mum, winking at me.

  "Oh, Mum!"

  "And you, Alice? Are you okay?" she asked.

  "I…I had a dream, Mum."

  "Really?"

  "I don't feel so good. I think I need something to calm me down."

  "Good, here's some tea and then you can do your Maths homework."

  "Oh, Mum!" I exclaimed. Mum bent down and picked something up off the ground.

  "What's Bunny doing down here? Really, Alice you should take better care of your things."

  “Yes, Mum.”

  THE END

  Other work by Dani J Caile

  …the 1st book …

  ‘Man by a tree’

  Take a devilish romp through a world of death, where souls pay for experiences, monkeys are the hosts, and Reginald is the service provider.

  Reginald has been in control for millennia. With His staff of hundreds, and millions of souls passing through to experience the delights of physicality, his reign has become complacent. His servants, Satan and Lucifer, jump at the chance to take what they see as rightfully theirs.

  The Grim Reaper, or Graham Reader as he calls himself, has been doing his job of transporting souls ever since he can remember to gain his wings. But he has become tainted by the actions of the monkeys living on the planet. Unbeknown to him, a plan is afoot to change the status quo of 'up above' and 'down below', where he is a linchpin to both interested parties.

  “Sharp, dark and sardonic are rarely found wrapped in single package” Greg Levin (Notes on an Orange Burial)

  …the 2nd book …

  ‘The Bethlehem Fiasco’

  With only one sane man in the desert, can the answers he seeks be found? Or will it be the death of him?

  In a time when hobgoblins and angels run amok, can the universe survive the petty struggles of the powers that be? Based on as yet unreleased papyrus scriptures found in a 2nd floor bedsit in Lewisham, England, this is the 'true' story of one man.

  "Irreverent, quirky and fun" Fredrik Nath (The Cyclist)

  "...a light and breezy read..." Iso Nuys (Paid on Return)

  "I loved it!" Dave Tarragon (The Chemo Diaries)

  …the 3rd …

  ‘The Rage of Atlantis’

  Bombs, angels, dolphins, hobgoblins, crazy monkeys, Reginald in a rage, Satan on the toilet...all mixed with absurdly serious issues.

  Will a selfish plan for immortality destroy the human race? Or will there be light ‘beyond’ the end of the tunnel?

  High Chief of Security Sipho, with his female dolphin sidekick Kang Dee, investigates the latest in a long line of terrorist attacks by the ‘unseen’ against Atlantis, the utopian gem of the physical universe, and finds more than he could have ever imagined.

  "If you loved Douglas Adams, then you're bound to love Dani J. Caile!" Jasper T. Scott (Escape, Dark Space)

  "Hilarious" Eponymous Rex (B.O.T.)

  "Flash Gordon meets Water-world" Karen Bates (Faking it in France)

  …the 4th …

  ‘Manna-X’

  Reginald sends Graham Reader (aka the Grim Reaper), out on a mission to find Code 237-Manna-X, the Manna Machine after the Overlords warn him of an imminent (3000 year old) threat against the security of both the physical and non-physical realms.

  Will Graham find the fantastic yet deadly device before anyone or anything else does?

  "I haven't come across anything quite like this..." Debbie Roxburgh (Speedy McCready)

  "With your wily work [Dani], I tend to focus on what's in parentheses. (I also think you are very misunderstood...and possibly always have been.)" Eponymous Rox (B.O.T.)

  "Manna-X is one roar of laughter after the next!" Jasper T. Scott (Escape, Dark Space)

  …the 5th book…brand new series…

  ‘How to build a castle in seven easy steps’

  (Line By Lion Publications)

  No one was injured in the making of this book. However, there may be some casualties while reading.
>
  In an ancient and long-forgotten deranged land obsessed with power, greed and mud, one boy alone stands up to the problems around him. His is a typical story of 'boy meets girl, boy turns into soup, escapes, boy meets girl again, boy is kidnapped and becomes the 'chosen one' for a tribe of canibalistic vampirish desire-driven crazed warriors, boy leads them into battle, loses the chance to bed hundreds of Amazonian women and finally wins the girl'. Come, accompany him on his fantastic wonderful superb journey. Or follow the cat.