Dani's Shorts Read online

  "But there must be!"

  The elevator, the door is closing! The stairs, use the stairs. Damn neck! Up and up, forever up!

  "Hey! Mind where you're going!"

  The colour, the taste, digging, drilling, taunting.

  The door, this is the door to the roof, the grassland of promise. Locked, need something to make it open. Down again. Fire extinguisher! Opened.

  Nothing. Can this be? Look around, damn you, look around! Nothing, there is nothing here.

  The foyer.

  "Can I help you, sir?"

  "No, I do not think you can."

  "That is a shame, sir. On such a wonderful morning as this?"

  "Wonderful? Yes, I guess it was. When will the next one appear?"

  "Right after this one, sir. Do you have any luggage, sir?"

  "Much."

  "Yes sir, I can see that. Good day, sir."

  "Good day."

  "Mind your head on the door, sir."

  [The monkey, it feeds on the fruit of the tree, until it is no more.]

  5 - The Five Challenges

  (1935 Vacuum Tube Radio, coconut, wheel from a covered wagon, Komodo Dragon)

  With the palm trees, coconuts, rocky island backdrop and the Indonesian specialities on the menu, Vince the Komodo dragon would have felt right at home in Mike's restaurant on the coast, if it wasn't for the cage. And that damn parrot.

  "You up (squawk)?"

  Kipper, the parrot, pecked the bars on Vince's cage.

  "Now...I am."

  Vince's 'paradise' wasn't the only exotic attraction in the place. Mike was a collector of items from around the globe and dressed the restaurant accordingly. Vince was in the Pacific corner, Kipper's place was over in the Americas corner, while Digger the ferret lived in the European corner. A Wild West bar took the last, with its huge, full length mirror, large oak serving area complete with an old wheel from a covered wagon hanging above acting as a chandelier.

  "Can I have some of your food today (squawk)?"

  "You know the score. Do the challenges, get the prize."

  Every day the same. Vince got some artificial rubbish for food; he hated it but the stupid parrot loved it, couldn't get enough of it. It was amazing Kipper could still fly; fat and juicy. Maybe it was time...

  "What's it today?"

  "Five."

  "Five? It was three yesterday (squawk)!"

  "More customers in today."

  "Five is way too many!"

  "Take it or leave it."

  "And you will, you barbarian (squawk)!"

  And every day Vince would set Kipper challenges, usually two or three but today he was feeling...lucky.

  "Okay, okay. What's number one?"

  "Go crap on that man."

  "Easy!" Kipper flew over and landed on the man's shoulder. While the man fed him with some food off his plate for being so friendly, the parrot left a present on his back.

  "Number two (squawk)?"

  "Upset the waitress."

  Kipper flew around the head of the waitress, squawking and making a fuss, causing her to swipe at him and swear loudly.

  "Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Number three?"

  "Push my bowl into my cage."

  "Eh? Okay, I'll try." Kipper landed infront of Vince's food bowl and pushed it with his head, making two cage bars bend under the pressure. "Is that enough?"

  "Yes, good. Number four, wake up Digger."

  "But it's his naptime (squawk)!"

  "Do you want some food or not?"

  "Want." Kipper flew over to Digger's cage and started making a commotion, upsetting the customers nearby and making Mike at the bar turn his radio up to try and cover the sound. Digger woke up.

  "What do you want, stupid bird?"

  "Hey Digger, watch this! Number five, turn the radio off."

  "What? That's Mike's radio (squawk), his precious most cherished item, that radio. A 1935 vacuum tube radio, that is."

  "Turn it off."

  Kipper reluctantly flew over to the radio at the bar and switched it off with his beak. Mike instantly swiped Kipper away with a towel and turned it back on.

  "Okay, here's your food."

  Vince pushed the bowl out of his cage and Kipper came to feed.

  So did Vince.

  "Good one."

  Digger went back to sleep.

  6 - Hunt on the beach

  (nudist colony, cell phone charger, carp, 1880 vampire hunting kit)

  "Let me guess, you’re a vampire slayer?” The suncreamed brute of a man stood in his way.

  "Why, yes, I am. What ever gave me away? My suave charismatic persona, my rippling muscular physique, my…?”

  "That 1880 Vampire Hunter Kit slung across your back.”

  Tom grabbed the kit and held it in front of his naked body.

  "Oh, yeah.” The element of surprise was lost.

  "And that’s one hell of a 'wooden stake' you’ve got there.” The man pointed down to Tom’s protrusion.

  "Ah. Yeah, err, sorry, I’m not really used to this, I guess.” He tried to hide his modesty with the kit but the strap was too short, so he moved his bumbag to the front. The man held his ground.

  "So, what’s a vampire slayer like you doing in a nudist colony like this?” The man lifted his sunglasses and gave Tom a wink.

  "Err…fishing? Yes, fishing.”

  "With a rod like that, I guess so.”

  Maybe it was time for Tom to make a quick getaway before things got a little complicated. He was on a mission, not a pick up.

  "Fishing for what?”

  Names of fish ran through his mind, but only one came out.

  "Carp.”

  "Carp?”

  "Yes, carp.” As good a fish as any.

  "But carp is a river fish.” The man crossed his arms.

  "And? Your point is?” Tom tried not to look down, he grabbed his bumbag for protection.

  "This is a beach.”

  They both looked around, taking in the scene with naked bodies sunbathing, playing, dipping in the ocean.

  "So what are you really here for?”

  Tom thought quickly, and pulled out his mobile phone charger.

  "Looking for a place to plug this in.” He smiled at the man, then realised that might have given the wrong impression.

  "I can think of one or two places you could stick that.” The man moved closer. "Come on, what are you really here for?”

  "I’m, err…” The secret was out, anyway. "I’m on the trail of a renowned vampire.”

  The man took a step back.

  "You don’t say! Well, have you found this 'vampire' yet?”

  "Err, no, not yet.”

  "On the beach somewhere?”

  "Err, no.”

  "In the midday sun?”

  Come to think of it, there was something wrong with his initial plan. Maybe he'd have to rethink.

  "Just how many vampires have you killed, sonny?”

  "Tons!” Tom stood proud, but unfortunately the kit still didn’t reach.

  "Really?” The man stared Tom out.

  "Some?”

  "Are you sure?”

  "Okay, none…but I’m keen to get started!”

  "Yes…hey!” The man suddenly pointed inland. "I just saw a bat! Over there!”

  Tom grabbed his vampire kit and looked in the direction the man had indicated.

  "Where?”

  "Over there, see?”

  It could be the lead Tom needed! He nodded to the man and sped off across the sand, following the man’s pointing finger.

  As Tom disappeared into the grassy area connecting the beach to land, Nosferatu turned back to his friends playing volleyball.

  "Hey Vlad! Any chance of a game?”

 

  7 - On the Farm

  (1940 Ford farm tractor, space monkey, nursery rhyme, sushi)

  "Hey, Alf? There's a monkey here asking for sushi!"

  "A monkey?" What is Harry going on about now
? Why isn't he down with the cows in the lower fields? Has he been at those funny looking mushrooms again? He'd told him about doing them before.

  "Yeah, a monkey asking for sushi!"

  There IS a monkey next to him, sitting on that stile and wearing a space suit. He's even holding a helmet under his arm! Never been a monkey on the farm before. Once had a llama. Made a nice stew.

  "Harry?"

  "Yes, Alf?"

  "What kind of sushi?" Harry's doing his usual double take. Hehe. Like it when he does that.

  "He says anything will do, so long as it's sushi!"

  "Right!" I'll get on me tractor, the brook's got some fish in it. Not your typical Wednesday though, a space monkey in the pasture.

  "He says he likes your tractor! He asks if it's a Ford 2N."

  "No, it isn't, it's a Ford 9N from 1940!" Not so smart, that monkey. Anyone worth their water knows that on the 2N the battery and alternator were replaced with a magneto and hand-crank start due to wartime shortages. Where do they get their monkeys these days?

  "Oh and Alf?"

  "Yes?"

  "He needs to send an urgent message to base!"

  "Base?"

  "Yes, his base. He says it's urgent, but not as urgent as the sushi!"

  "Right! He's very bossy, isn't he?" Yep, just as I thought, the brook's briming with fish. I'll catch a nice perch with my net.

  "He's a monkey in a white suit, Alf! What can ya do?"

  "Good point!" Hang on, who's 'base'? "Does he know the number of this 'base'?" Ooo, that monkey is smart, he's writing the number down on a piece of paper!

  "Got it! Oh, He says he can't say the message, he'll write it down!" It is, too! Maybe I was wrong about that monkey. Got the fish! Great.

  "What does the message say?"

  "How do I know? You know I can't read!" Damn, yeah, that local school closed down before Harry could get in it. And he wasn't going to walk five miles to the next one. I'll have to go over there now.

  "Okay, I'm coming over!" Good fish, just right.

  "Hey up, Alf."

  "Hey up. Pass me that message." Monkeys look bigger closer up. "It's a nursery rhyme."

  "A what?"

  "A nursery rhyme, or part of one."

  "Oh, one of them! Which one?"

  "Jack and Jill."

  "Really? Me mom always told me that one when I was a toddler."

  "What ya' mean? She tells you it now!"

  "Yeah, that's right, you know."

  "'Ere, Harry? How do you know he wants sushi, and his base?"

  "Oh, that's easy. He's got a notebook, see?"

  Damn right, there's some nice pictures in that. Mmm...good sized fish, just one clean swipe and...

  "Hey, Alf! What ya' do that for?"

  "Never had monkey before. Put him on the back of the tractor, will ya, Harry?"

  8 - Who's crazy now?

  (dung beatle, piece of petrified wood, ginsu knives, 1884 DeDion Bouton Et Trepardoux Dos-A-Dos Stream Runabout)

  "Wow! A dung beetle! I must record this." Mavis scribbled into her official Conservation Notebook. As Head of Little Creape Forest Conservationists, it was her duty to record anything of value, and this was. The forest was small by other standards, but it was her area, her responsibility. When she grew up, she was going to be the greatest conservationist the county had ever seen. Her father would be proud. Though the unexplained destruction of the petrified wood and the death of Farmer Wyle at the edge of the forest was definitely a questionable point in her conservationalist career.

  Suddenly there was noise, a strange unearthly noise which frightened her and she quickly hid in the viburnum bushes which were blooming quite well just to her right. The noise grew louder and as it came upon her she peeked out, and what she saw was beyond imagination, a horseless cart racing down the forest track, spurting a cloud of steam which collected in its wake. It sped past, making her cough and choke on the dust kicked up. She watched as it hit an unsuspecting hedgehog moving from one part of the forest to the other. Outraged, Mavis came out from hiding and stood with her fists on her hip. She heard a crunch below and looked down. She'd stepped on the dung beetle. Her scream could be heard throughout the forest, and the horseless cart, which had continued on despite hitting the poor hedgehog, stopped. It paused for a moment and then started to move backwards until it was only a few metres from where Mavis was standing, fuming. A man in a dusty suit jumped off the cart, brushed himself off and bowed without his hat.

  "Greetings."

  "You killed a hedgehog!"

  "A what? Did I? Terribly sorry. My name's..."

  "And you made me step on the dung beetle!"

  "The dung beetle? Was there only one?"

  "Well, there's one less now, isn't there!"

  "Apologises, madam. My name's..."

  "What is THAT?"

  Mavis pointed to the contraption.

  "It's an 1884 De Dion Bouton Et Trepardoux Dos-A-Dos Steam Runabout. This car can reach a top speed of 37 miles per hour, a collector's item."

  "It's a what? You killed a hedgehog with that!"

  "Terribly sorry. Allow me to introduce myself, my name's Ernid Snittlebottom, seller of Ginsu knives."

  "Ginsu knives? You're a salesman?"

  "Yes…I knew I was in the backwaters but I didn't know by how…would you like to peruse my merchandise? These knives will make all your others obsolete and…"

  "You killed a hedgehog! And a dung beetle!"

  "Technically, you did that. Next you'll be going on about those stones."

  "Stones? What stones?"

  "Those old stones I found by the roadside. They made good sharpeners, it's a shame they crumbled."

  "You…you destroyed the…petrified wood?"

  "Petrified? I was when I saw that farmer chasing me. Glad he disappeared."

  "Give me those knives!"

  Mavis grabbed two from the salesman's display and started chasing the man down the dirt track.

  "But wait! There's more!"

  9 - Taxi!

  (pregnant camel, roller coaster, sunken ship, loom)

  Third red in the last five minutes. It was going to be a hard drive back. In fact, if I added the speeding and insane overtaking it reminded me of a rollercoaster ride at the seaside, not much fun but dangerous. The taxi radio broke the silence.

  "Seven four Thomas, need a one (click) five (click)."

  Maybe a little banter would calm me down.

  "She sounds nice."

  "Nice? I guess. Looks more like a pregnant camel, what with her hump an' all." He flicked the ash from his cigarette out the window and stuck the butt back into his mouth, replacing his elbow on the window frame, hanging his arm out. He picked his nose with the other hand and drove with his knees.

  "Two three Sanyi? (click) Two three Sanyi?"

  Another driver came on the radio.

  "I'm not here."

  "Oh yeah, sorry. One three Laci (click)?"

  Another came on.

  "Yeah?"

  "Long drive to Kiddlesborough?"

  "Not for me, thanks."

  "Four three Zsolt (click)?"

  My taxi driver grabbed the wheel with one hand and picked up the radio mic with the other, spitting his butt out of the window.

  "What now? Zsolt here."

  "Want Kiddlesborough?"

  "When?"

  "Now."

  "Busy."

  "When are you done?"

  By the way he was driving I'd be surprised if we got to our destination. It was becoming more frightening than having to watch Titanic for the umpteenth time with the ex. Why anyone had to make a 300 hour movie about a sunken ship I'll never know.

  "Fifteen, plus I need a minute. Will it wait?"

  "Yes. Thanks, Zsolt."

  "Welcome."

  The taxi driver resumed his initial position, one hand out the window, one finger in his nose. Digging for gold, I imagined. My nerves were shot, now six reds, two near misses and th
ree horns. Thankfully, we got caught in a jam and even with dodgem-like changing of lanes, the taxi had to slow down. I took the opportunity to try and relax by looking around the dashboard and interior. A photo of what could only be described as a half troll / half woman was sticking out of his sunshade.

  "Who's that?"

  "That? The missus."

  "Nice. What does she do?"

  The taxi driver guffawed and then gave me a long empty stare.

  "Nothing. All day she makes those tourist tapestries on her darling mother's loom. Heir-loom. Ha!"

  I tried to laugh at his joke.

  "Wanna buy one?"

  He reached around to the back and brought out a colourful but completely outlandish monstrocity of a weave.

  "Err, thanks but no."

  "Well, you asked. You sure you don't want it? You must have a few bob in your pocket."

  "Cash is limited at the moment. Thanks for the offer, but no."

  A hole opened up in the jam and he sped through it. I finally recognised a street, a bit far from my place but I'd do anything to get out.

  "This'll do."

  "What? Look, you ordered a taxi to your door. And that's what you're getting."

  Seven reds.

  10 - My two glassfish (RIP)

  (stove top hat, TseTse fly, gyroscope, half a dozen eggs)

  "Morning."

  "Morning."

  "What's new?"

  "Can't you see?"

  "Err, oh, you've got a bit of red on your tail. What happened? Get bitten by a Tse-tse fly or something?"

  "In the water? Are you nuts?"

  "Well, I am swimming backwards."

  "Yes, you are. Okay, you're nuts. But then, all you have to do is look at the size of your brain to see that."

  "What are you implying?"

  "Nothing."

  "So, what happened?"

  "The new water toy."

  "Oh right. It got you, too, huh? Heard Ernie had a look at it and it spun him around and hit him in the gills."

  "Is that what you call them?"

  "That's what he said, anyways. So it got you in the tail?"

  "Yeah."

  "Is it an underwater gyroscope?"

  "No...it's interesting, though..."

  "Watch out! Here she comes again!"

  "Eh-up! That angel fish almost got me that time! Daft cow!"

  "Yeah, she's too much sometimes, thinks she owns the tank. Fat snob."

  "All she needs is a stove top hat and she'd look like one of those upper class buggers."

  "Oh, yeah... she's got the lips for it."

  "Yeah. The snobby cow put half a dozen eggs down there, right between the plastic diver with bubbles and the fake red coral."